If I came to this city with any reservations about the amount of work I would be able to do or about the type of contributions I would be able to make, the first two weeks of work alleviated them. I hit the ground running and hammered away at the ever-increasing stack of legal work to be done. Thus far, I arrive early and stay late, in order to get a grip on things more quickly. Fortunately, it hasn't taken long to get acquainted with how the office operates. During this crash course, I frequently enlist the aid of two attorneys, both of whom seem ready and able to bring me up to speed. In these ways, God oversaw my transition and placed His people in my path so that I can be used by Him.
On the point of being used by God, this time feels different. I'm not really sure how to handle it right now. What I mean is that, in the past, the times I felt God using me involved more typical Christian services: serving the poor/needy, encouraging the discouraged, holding brothers accountable, resisting temptation, etc. These required much more Biblical intention than technical skill. This time, however, it is my brain and my work ethic that God is stretching. I find it uncomfortable to know that taking an extra break or missing a crucial holding in a case can mean a delay in God's work. After all, don't I possess authority over my work product? Further, isn't this whole process undeniably adversarial? There is one side we are on and another side they are on, the gray areas still exist, but are minimized. This means when we lose a case, our side loses. Perhaps, I am melodramatic, but I find this kind of service to be stressful. It is encompassing. I ask myself, “What if my legal work is poor, does that prevent God's justice from coming about?” Or, "What if someone else could do this better than me?"--- what foolishness --- I need prayer and reminders that I will truly believe that it is Him and not me who brings about God's will. . . I am only a vessel to be used (thanks megg, for slapping me with this reminder). I must learn to trust that God brought me to this point after training me in the skills I need so that HE, NOT me, could produce justice. This is a new kind of trust to me. Now, it's more personal- now He wants "my" work.
5 comments:
I know you have probably heard these words before, but I'm going to say them anyway...
The moment you became a Christian you gave your life over to God so that His purpose and will can be accomplished through you. So even though you're probably stuck in a mile deep stack of legal work, however stinky it must be, you have to do the work to glorify God.
The movie "Flywheel" is a great example of this, where a car salesman is dealing business the stereotypical way we see them selling cars. He later turns around and gives his dealership over to God so that it could honestly glorify God. The lot was soldout that day!
Even though you're on the anvil right now getting hammered away by your work, take a step back and look how God is hammering you into His will. I being the super hypocritical right now telling you all of this but I know it's the Truth and I pray that we both can see it.
Rich, I can completely identify with what you said about wondering if someone else couldn't do it better. Satan has put that same thought into my head in those moments where I think I'll never be able to change the lives of the people whose homes I enter each day. I think, "Shouldn't someone with more experience, skill and better ideas do this?!"
But the fact of the matter is, God put me in that specific home, just like He put you on that specific case, for a reason. And when it comes down to it, it's got less to do with skill and more to do with our relationship to Him.
It's a different kind of service and I can completely relate to you on this. Like Meggan said, we are His vessels. I think it's a lot of pressure to be right in our relationship with Him more than anything. But it's an incredible and very new experience and I'll be praying for your strength, too, as I know Satan will be attacking us both in this area where we lack confidence.
Wow - that does sound overwhelming! I'm proud of you for working so hard, and encouraged to know that you're using things you learned in law school! We're all praying for you. Love, Emily
ps I met Larry Martin from IJM last week and he said he remembered meeting you in DC!
When your heart is right (which it obviously is) then God will take care of the rest. Your task is obviously so overwhelming, that doubts about someone else doing better would seem natural. But God is bigger than any task you will face, even in India. You are the hero at our dinner table and constantly in our prayers.
Nancy
What an incredible distinction you have made. Even though I barely know you, I think God has so clearly orchestrated your life to bring you to this point so that you can bring about justice on his behalf. You continue to be in my prayers. All the best.
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